Friday, August 27, 2010

Fantasy Friday: Draught Rules

Having just completed one fantasy football draft and now gearing up for another, let me impart some advice to you. No, not on how to make good picks or work the waiver wire, but etiquette. In particular, drinking etiquette.

A draft can be a hostile place. You may be playing with friends, but if you look hard enough, they're actually trolls trying to gut you and play double dutch with your insides. One wrong move by you and you'll be emasculated and left to die in a puddle of your own filth. It's a tension-filled situation, and one that often incorporates alcohol.

There's plenty of sites and people that do the fantasy thing for a living, and they are called pricks. They've successfully attained their and many others dream. Often their draft stories will have them turning up their noses at the loud drunkards they play with and happen to inhabit most of the Earth. Don't listen to them. No one likes being sober (destructive alcoholics excluded), and if you want to have a good time while playing fantasy football you'll drink a beer or several.

Some inherent benefits include:

-All your insults become twice as cutting and intelligent.

-A built-in excuse for when you accidentally draft Matt Leinart in the fifth round.
Friend: Why did you do that?
Friend: Of course.

-Something to do with your hands while waiting with your pick. There's nothing better than stuffing a red Dixie cup into your face while others are shuffling papers trying to find the next Miles Austin.

-If you get drunk enough, you can dial ex-girlfriends and beg them for sex. That's a proactive way of seeking post-draft entertainment.

-When you pass out, your friends will select hilarious players like Yao Ming or Tom Tupa for you.

And so on.


Whaaaaaa? A Browns player?

Even though Watson washed out of New England, and that's never a good way to start explaining, I know, he's got some value with Cleveland. While with the Pats, Watson had to fight off Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Julian Edelman, and Kevin Faulk for catches; in Cleveland he has no such competition.

The Browns have but Mohamed Massquoi (34 catches), rookie Brian Robiskie, and Josh Cribbs (20 catches) as receivers. There's no catch vacuum cleaner like Welker, and Delhomme may prove himself more capable than Brady Quinn.

Am I saying go and draft Watson in the eighth? Would you even do it if I asked? Hell naw. I'm saying that as you come into the last round and you're unhappy with your tight end selections: Ben Watson. He had five touchdowns last season and is poised to grab a few more.

And with that, I must away. Sweet lady weekend, she calls to me.

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